Letting Go Of The “Need” to Be Understood
Whether it's from chronic illness, betrayal, doubt, or some other painful life circumstance, there is one mistake I see a lot of. (and it’s an honest mistake I’ve made myself!)
And that is…
Thinking you need to be understood by others to heal.
It’s just another one of the devil’s schemes, so be aware!!!
It CAN be helpful, but also dangerous. And that’s the enemy’s specialty... twisting things that are good into something destructive. Let’s unpack why this can be dangerous. I’ll use my own experience as an example.
The Trap I Almost Got Caught In…
When I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, I felt so alone. Being diagnosed with what is considered to be rare by most people plunged me into a pit full of despair. My MD told me to start looking online for things that might help, treatments that other people were doing in other parts of the world. It wasn't long until I encountered tons of other people who had the same condition, and so much of what they were saying lined up with what I was experiencing to a T.
Let me tell you it was so incredibly validating. I remember telling my husband, “I am normally abnormal!” So many things that were said made my spirit want to scream, “Me too! ME TOO!!” It was wildly refreshing to be understood. And THERE’S THE TRAP: it brought a sense of peace that almost lulled me into complacency. I was paying more attention to the FEELING of being understood than I was learning what God wanted me to learn and progress toward.
The Holy Spirit started whispering to me that SOME (not many!) of these groups were good and most were destructive. Certain groups were only about validating feelings, but others, although they acknowledged how it felt, were far more focused on what could be done to progress.
So how else could this show up?
~ After a divorce, being in a “recovery” group that complains about their ex more than healing from the hurt.
~ Someone having doubts or questions in their faith spending more time reading comments from skeptical people than talking to people who are wise enough to really walk them through their questions.
~ Coffee groups on how to have a better marriage but instead of women working on their part, they only comment on what their husbands “aren’t” doing.
~ After a betrayal, spending more time finding others who were betrayed than learning how to forgive and rebuild trust with other people who truly love you.
~ After a diagnosis, identifying so much with a label that you begin to live from it instead of beyond it.
~ Following “deconstructing Christianity” accounts that challenge everything but don’t help rebuild anything.
~ Listening to trauma influencers or coaches who encourage endless “processing” but don’t offer any practical tools for healing.
~ Feeling comforted by memes and reels that echo your pain, but never getting into Scripture, where the healing really starts.
~ Surrounding yourself with people who coddle your excuses instead of calling you up to your God-given purpose.
~ Staying in “awareness” mode forever—aware of trauma, grief, burnout, wounds—but never stepping into transformation and freedom.
We ALL fall into pits or face challenges that are beyond us to fix. There is nothing wrong with having friends that are walking a similar road as you.
But be very careful not to confuse validation with healing! They are not the same.
Only someone who is NOT in the pit can help pull you OUT of it.
Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with the wise will become wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed.
Look to people who are ahead of you on the road for direction, not someone who’s at the same stage as you. Those are people who embody this verse:
Philippians 3:13
No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…
People ahead of you on the road won’t ever say they’ve “made it.” But they will cheer you on and share their story so you know that there IS hope beyond that circumstance you’re facing. They’ll say, “I know it’s hard, I’ve been there. But there is more waiting for you. Keep moving, even if it’s slow. I’m here to talk to.”
This is EXACTLY why I got into coaching. Being coached transformed my thinking so much that I wanted to help others do the same with their thinking.
Remember these two things:
Validation is comforting, but transformation is healing. Don’t stop at ‘me too’—follow it with ‘what now, God?’
The feeling of being “seen” and validated by others may entice us to camp where we were only supposed to walk by.
Ask yourself a few questions to see where you might have fallen into this trap from the enemy:
Are the voices I’m surrounding myself with pushing me toward Jesus, or just echoing my emotions?
Do I need to evaluate whether this group, page, podcast, or relationship is still healthy for my healing?
Do I seek to be seen by others or sanctified by Christ?
Is it time to step out of a space that once supported me but now keeps me stuck?
Do I trust that God understands me even when others don’t?
My precious friends, please take the time to evaluate the groups, people, podcasts, or quotes you invite into your mind and heart. They will either cement your pain and limits into place (that’s what the enemy wants!) OR they will be a stepping stone for true transformation and healing.
In passionate purpose,
Dorothy