3 Ways To Tell If You Are Gaslighting YOURSELF!
Going to be really real with you this week!
It doesn't matter how good you get at taking thoughts captive, the enemy is still going to try and bring up old patterns of thinking when he thinks he can wedge his way in there. He is always actively looking for ways to undermine you!
Here's what happened to me a few weeks ago:
I was doing a bunch of laundry in preparation for a trip with my husband, my youngest son, and his wife. There were a few items that were very prone to wrinkling, so I wanted to use a natural, fragrance-free fabric softener.
The one I usually use was no longer being sold at the grocery store closest to me, so I grabbed a different one that I thought was going to be just fine, because it's all natural, right?
Right?!?!?!?
Wrong.
As I started to hang those items to dry, my arms suddenly felt so itchy. At first I didn't make the connection. But then I did. Whatever was in that new "natural" fabric softener might be okay for others, but it was absolutely, positively NOT okay for me.
Guess what my first thought was?
It'll be ok, right? It'll be fine! This isn't a big deal. I'm probably not reacting as much as I think I am.
Holy smokes. I was gaslighting myself like crazy.
Eczema and skin issues have been a massive deal for me since my teens. I was seriously overriding what I know to be true.
Then the wiser, smarter Dorothy, the one who has learned to NOT ignore her God-given intuition, told old-thinking Dorothy, who seemed to come out of NOWHERE: Girl, you know better. Put that stuff straight back in the washer and get that nasty fabric softener out of it. Otherwise this will ruin your trip. You'll be covered in rashes and itching your entire body the whole time.
One of the biggest recurring thoughts I've had to overcome is: "I don't want to be a problem."
The funny thing about some of these dumb, deep-seated recurring thoughts is that they are a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If I had not rewashed those clothes (I ended up rewashing them TWICE to get it all out) in order to "not be a problem," I would have actually become a huge problem.
We would have spent a big chunk of that trip trying to figure out what I could do or take to get rid of the rashes. It probably would have prevented me from going to certain places and doing things we had looked forward to.
And it probably would not have stopped with the trip. My body is VERY sensitive to fragrance and certain chemicals. There have been times in my life where it has taken me a full year or more to get over an eczema flare. It costs tremendous time, money, and research to overcome.
So how can you tell when you are gaslighting yourself versus thinking hopeful thoughts?
Here are 3 questions to help you discern:
#1 Am I Telling Myself Something Is "Ok" Out Of Avoidance?
There is a HUGE difference between saying "it'll be ok" out of healthy hope and saying it out of unhealthy avoidance.
In this case, I was saying it would be ok because I already felt behind. A lot had happened in the two weeks prior and I thought I'd already be packed. Hence the I don't want to be a problem thinking.
(That's another pro tip right there...old thinking patterns show up when you are tired and frazzled!)
I knew it was going to be a lot of work to fix the mistake I had made. Rewashing two loads and hanging them up wasn't exactly going to make packing go faster!!
I tell myself "I'll be ok" all the time when I'm in a pain flare. THAT is healthy hope. That is the right time to say it.
Not when I want to avoid short-term discomfort that could potentially create massive problems down the road.
#2 Whose "Voice" Is Loudest Right Now? And What's The Possible Outcome Of Listening To That Voice?
Here's the thing nobody warns you about:
The destroyer’s voice doesn't show up sounding terrible. It shows up sounding reasonable.
"Be practical." "Don't overreact." "You're probably fine." "This isn't a big deal."
That's what made my laundry moment so sneaky. The voice telling me to ignore what was happening wasn't dramatic or loud. It was calm. Logical. Practical. It sounded like the sensible thing to do.
And that is exactly what makes it dangerous.
So when you're trying to figure out if you're gaslighting yourself, you have to get honest about which voice is actually running the show. Because there are a few that like to show up uninvited:
The people-pleaser voice: "I don't want to inconvenience anyone."
The "don't be dramatic" voice: "Other people have it so much worse."
The exhausted voice: "I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with this right now."
The "you've been through worse" voice: "Suck it up. You're tougher than this."
Sound familiar?
Then ask yourself the gut-check question:
If I keep listening to this voice, where do I actually end up?
Not where you hope you end up. Where do you actually end up?
Because I can tell you where I would have ended up. Covered in rashes. Miserable on a trip I had been looking forward to for ages. Costing my family time, money, and energy trying to help me manage a flare I absolutely could have prevented. All because I listened to the voice that sounded "sensible."
#3 Has God Already Shown Me The Answer?
We all honestly need to ask ourselves this question WAY more than we think!!
God often shows us the answer in short order. Our obedience, however, is in short supply.
We start negotiating and talking ourselves out of what we already know. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we are much less confused than we think.
All because obedience can be hard. (I REEEEEALLY did not want to rewash all that laundry... twice... when I already felt frazzled and behind schedule.)
So I tried to negotiate with what I already knew to be true.
Friend, how many times have we done this in the bigger things?
God already showed you that relationship isn't healthy and needs help. You're still negotiating.
God already told you to take that step toward your calling. You're still waiting for more signs.
God already highlighted that pattern in your life that needs to change. You're still calling it a quirk.
We don't always need more clarity. Sometimes we need more surrender and obedience.
The wiser Dorothy, the one I'm still growing into, has learned to honor what God shows her the first time. Not after three rounds of rationalizing. Not after the flare already started. The first time.
What does the wiser you need to honor the first time?
What do you need to tell yourself the truth about?
Friend, the enemy does not fight fair and he never will. But God has given you everything you need to stop agreeing with the voices that are leading you somewhere you do not want to go.
You have God-given intuition. You have the Holy Spirit. You have a wiser version of yourself that already knows the truth.
Trust her. Trust Him. And stop negotiating with what you already know.
You've got this, and more importantly, God's got you!!!
In passionate purpose,
Dorothy
Here is a prayer to help you get started:
Father,
I come to You knowing there are things You have already shown me that I have been negotiating with instead of obeying. I have called it confusion when really it was avoidance. I have called it waiting when really it was fear.
Forgive me for that.
I ask You today to bring clearly to mind every place where I have been gaslighting myself. Every voice I've been letting run the show that has no business being in charge. Every "sensible" lie I've been believing because the truth felt too costly or too hard.
Give me the courage to listen to what You have already spoken.
Give me the strength to do the thing I've been negotiating around.
And help me trust that short-term obedience…even when it's inconvenient, even when it costs me something, even when it feels like rewashing laundry twice when I'm already behind…is always, always better than the long-term consequence of ignoring You.
I want to be a woman who honors what You show her the first time.
Grow me into her.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.